


Too late

by Paddy_2020



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 118 don’t realise who they had until it’s too late, Cancer, Ex U.S. Navy SEAL Evan Buckley, Gen, hurt/not much comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:41:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29783175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paddy_2020/pseuds/Paddy_2020
Summary: After the lawsuit, when everything should be looking up for Buck, his world is instead crushed by some of the worst news a person can get and has absolutely no one to share it with - how does he carry the burden that he has stage four cancer alone?...
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew
Comments: 25
Kudos: 145





	1. The beginning... of the end

“Fuck, those toilets are a mess” Hen moaned, turning on her heel and walking out of the female locker room having aborted her plan to use them “does anyone even clean in here anymore?”

Eddie just turned round and snapped his fingers at Buck who was taking a spare second to catch his breath - something he had been really struggling with lately. He doesn’t remember when it first started, but it had become noticeable to him around the time of the lawsuit - the fatigue, painful coughing fits the fact that he was often so tired he would just zone out of what was going on around him. It was starting to worry him and he was just starting to think it might be a good idea to book a doctor’s appointment when “BUCKLEY!” Was roared inches from his face by an irate Eddie Diaz, snapping him out of his stupor

”What” he just moaned, hardly managing to keep his eyes open never mind do whatever was being asked of him

” _I said,_ the toilets stink and a member of this house wants to use them so you had better do something about that. Hadn’t you?”

”Clean them yourself Diaz”

”I’ve got stuff to do - and as far as I’m aware you’re not the one risking your ass going out on calls every day, yet you still earn the same as me so you’d better make yourself fucking useful”

”Okay” Buck sighed, no longer feeling able to fight

”Then GO!” Eddie shouted, one final time before turning around “Tell me if they’re not clean within half an hour Hen and I’ll tell cap so he knows to write him up”

Hen just looked at the man disappointedly before walking over to Buck who was currently in the midst of another coughing fit “Hey, you don’t have to do this - you look like death, how about you help Chim with the ambulance and I’ll do it?”

”No, it’s fine - I’ll only get chewed out if I don’t do it and I...” Buck wasn’t able to finish his sentence before another bout of coughing sort in, prompting Hen to provide him with a handkerchief - she fortunately didn’t see the flecks of red blood covering its surface, but Buck did and promptly swore to book an emergency appointment with his doctor for the next day. He then promptly set off to clean the toilets... again. He emerged exactly half an hour later to see Eddie standing outside with a stopwatch in his hand - the disappointed look on his face making it clear that Buck had in fact completed his chore within the allotted timeframe. Buck just walked past him before sitting down on the bumper of one of the trucks with a now, increasingly characteristic sigh.

”Get up! We’re all hungry and lunch isn’t going to make itself...” Eddie shouted, the moment Buck had become comfortable - he stood over him, daring the younger man to say something and just smirked to himself when it was met with a totally broken look.

**The next day:**

“I think I would prefer it if you were sitting down please Evan” The doctor requested, coming to sit on the edge of his desk and looking sadly into Buck’s eyes “I don’t really know how to say this without panicking you - I think it is very possible that you have lung cancer Evan. It’s not a diagnosis but it’s a working theory and I was wondering if you could give me any potential occasions during which you would have been exposed to contaminants or carcinogens”

”Yeah” Buck said quietly as the news sunk in “I used to be a special ops soldier - did a couple of intelligence gathering raids on nuclear test sights and the likes. Then obviously with firefighting I would sometimes have to give up my oxygen supply for the person I’m rescuing”

”I was afraid of something like this. I’m referring you under a red flag referral to get further testing - you’ll probably get a call by tomorrow giving you a time to be at the hospital. Short of a wedding or a funeral I would suggest you drop whatever you’re doing and get there”

”O...Okay Doc” he mumbled, tears welling in his eyes - Evan Buckley was not normally scared of death, he knew with the jobs he had done in his life that there was a high possibility he wouldn’t live into his old age, yet to have it confirmed and to know that he could be suffering from such a brutal disease while there was bad blood between himself and his only support network. That killed him.

”Just, be aware that I might be totally wrong and that you’re just suffering from extreme allergies or something - or you might have a polyp, could be any number of things and this is just one of them” the doctor affirmed, however, as Buck walked out of the office - he just knew it was cancer

**two weeks later:**

“Evan - I can call you that, yeah?”

”Or just Buck - I’m not fussy”

”Okay Buck - I’m afraid Dr Nicholl’s theory was correct, you do have cancer - however, I’m afraid that isn’t it for the bad news kid.” The doctor - a woman in her early sixties explained. She then pulled up his chest x-ray on her computer “We think you have stage four lung cancer - do you know what that is?”

Buck just nodded - not feeling up to talking

”There are treatments and given your age and fitness we have a good chance of beating it into a long remission, but I’m not going to lie to you - it’s not an ideal situation”

“What’s the plan then doc?”

She then outlined his treatment plan - how they were intending on using immunotherapy to stop the spread of his tumours and how they were hoping that he would have a good six years of life still stretching ahead of him if he got into remission. Buck just sat in silence taking in how long and yet how short six years seemed.

“How long do I have if the treatment doesn’t work?”

”Months”

FUCK! he thought - here he was at twenty eight being told he potentially had months left to live, after all he fought through, months!

”But the treatment will work cause I’m gonna throw everything plus the kitchen sink at you, because I’m not going to let a young man like you have his life ended by this - okay kid?”

Buck just nodded silently before walking out of the office and scheduling his next appointment with Dr Rosenburg’s receptionist. He then jumped into his car and drove down to the LAFD headquarters where he had a meeting scheduled with his battalion chief and the deputy chief in charge of fire marshals. He explained his situation to them and they promised to let him stay with the 118 - who, even after all they had done to him, were his family. They promised to let him stay with them for the foreseeable future and then said that if he got into remission that there would be a place on the Fire Marshals team for him - something he was grateful for, even if it wouldn’t be the job he loved.

**2 months later:**

“Buck, you need to eat something” Hen pleaded, pushing a plate of meatloaf at him

”Hen, I can’t - I feel like if I eat anything I’m going to be sick” he exclaimed - the mere sight of food making him nauseous. They joys of immunotherapy - they said he would be sick like it was his job, but he didn’t realise it would be this bad. He knew he wasn’t in a good way, he had lost a stone in weight over the last month and no matter how many times he tried to hit the gym or how much food he ate when he felt up to it, he was still in a downward spiral. They had warned it would get worse before it got better, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could take the treatment, never mind the disease

”Buck, you’ve said that all week - I’m worried”

”Hen, I’m...” Buck was cut off bey another fit of coughing and he quickly pulled out a tissue to catch the blood that he knew by now that he would cough up. This time the paramedic did see the bright red flecks across the otherwise pristine white and she decided to raise the matter

”Buck, you should also get that checked out - it could be cancerous”

”I have, don’t worry - they said it was nothing and are running some tests to find out the root cause”

Hen just gave him her patented ‘I’m asking nicely and I know you want to keep it that way’ look, before pressing again “Buck - if something is up, you can talk to me. And Chim - we are here for you, even if those other two douches aren’t”

”I’m fine, promise. It’s nothing I can’t handle on my own”

”That doesn’t mean you have to handle it on your own Buck. Please, tell me” she implored, sensing the dejection in his tone

”Promise you won’t tell anyone, not even Chim”

”I promise”

”I’m dying”

”BUCK! Don’t speak like that”

”It’s true Hen - I have stage four lung cancer, best case scenario I have five or six years, worst case five or six months”

“Oh my God, how?”

”I was a Navy SEAL before I came here - special warfare development group, under JSOC. We would occasionally get orders to do intelligence recovery on nuclear test sites in North Korea, Iran and the likes - I did more ops than anyone else on my team and I guess it’s coming back to bite me in the ass” he laughed, before proceeding to cough his lungs up once more

”Evan” Hen whispered, a tear in her eye “please let me tell the others - they would go easier on you if they knew”

”No! I don’t want them to pretend to like me cause I’m on my way out - I want them to either hate me or like me because I’ve proved myself to them again, not because of sympathy”

“Surely Cap knows?”

”Its in my personnel file, but I told the battalion chief - not Captain Nash. I’ll be staying here for the foreseeable and then if I get into remission there’s a post in the fire marshals office with my name on it”

”When”

”Huh?”

”When you get into remission”

”No Hen, it’s if - my doctor made that very clear last week” he replied dully, placing an arm around his coworker’s shoulder

”Does Maddie know?”

”No, I’ll only tell her if it gets really bad - she has her own problems”

”Buck, you need to tell her!”

”Hen, I told you this on the understanding that you...” Buck started, before being taken down with another fit of coughing “that you.... didn’t force me to tell anyone I felt uncomfortable telling”

”How many people know?”

”You, me, my doctor, the Battalion Chief and the fire chief”

“Buck, you need to tell people”

”I don’t want them to know - Bobby will only kick me out and I honestly couldn’t do this without you all, even if 90% of the house hates my guts, I’m still surrounded by the people I love - would be nice if they loved me back, but hey”

”Buck - even Eddie loves you, he’s just lashing out. You know that”

”How come I don’t get to just lash out then? Huh? I’m just expected to stoically take everything that comes my way, yet he can act like that for months and it’s okay”

”It’s not okay, but so long as Cap chooses not to see it he’ll continue - which is why we need to tell him”

”I don’t want him to know Hen! If he knows he’ll turf me out and I just know that if I don’t have anything left to fight for then I won’t win”

”You love him, don’t you”

”Who?”

”Eddie”

”I love all of you”

”Let me rephrase, you’re in love with Eddie”

“Fuck” He moaned, the mere thought of where his friendship with the man had been mere months previously brought a tear to his eye “Hell, why not tell you - I am, yes and I know I don’t deserve him after what I did. But I just can’t get the way we used to be out of my head - you know I had visions for how my return here was going to go? I knew you would all be hostile, but I thought that maybe after a week or two I would be able to convey how sorry I was and that you’d forgive me, maybe even see my side of things. Guess I was wrong” He said, standing up when he saw Bobby come down the stairs. He walked out of the locker room, and hen just heard “dishes Buckley” being snapped at him as he went. She wanted so much to convey her feelings to the captain, however, she kept her promises and stayed mum for the time being


	2. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is in the oncology waiting room and sees Michael walk in - the man immediately notices him and quizzes Buck on why he is there

“Good afternoon Mr Buckley - Dr Rosenberg’s running a bit behind today I’m afraid, so you might be waiting a little longer” The receptionist said as he greeted Buck with a smile

”Thanks, I’ve got the whole day off - so tell her not to rush” he replied, before taking a seat and reading an article on his phone - he could feel his heart thumping in his chest, the cancer had been diagnosed four months ago and since then he had only received bad news during his two weekly meetings with the doctor. He wasn’t a religious man, but Buck was praying for a good outcome at this point.

He was so caught up in his own worries and then his article that he didn’t hear Michael walk in until the man sat down next to him and started to speak

”It’s good of you to come Buck - I know Athena and Bobby didn’t want me to do this on my own” he thanked, pulling the younger blond out of his thoughts

”Oh, ummm, no. I’m here for myself actually Michael”

”Wait, what?”

Buck didn’t want to answer that question, so he instead diverted by posing another one “what brings you here Mike?”

”Brain tumour - they don’t know whether it’s cancerous or not, but we’re going to be finding out today”

”Well, provided you’re seen before me I’m happy to come with you”

”In that case I’ll come with you for yours too - is it something to do with that cobalt fire?”

”Uhhh, no Michael” Buck began tactfully, just as he was beset by a round of harsh and painful coughing. When the fit subsided he continued “I’m here because I have lung cancer”

”That’s awful kid - how long have you known?”

”Four months. I’m really hoping for some good news today”

”Four months, hell Buck - what’s the prognosis?”

”Between six months and six years” Buck replied, trying to hold a steady tone - he was working on making his peace with his own mortality

”WHAT!”

”Stage four - brought on from a cocktail of burning asbestos, smoke from house fires and nuclear fallout”

“Shit, how did I not know?”

”You’re the second person I’ve told - only you, Hen and myself know”

“Why don’t you tell everyone?”

“Because they all have their own problems and I want to be treated as one of them for as long as I can manage - don’t worry, I haven’t gone out on the truck since the accident anyway” Buck replied bitterly “it kinda sucks - would’ve loved one more day on the full job before my diagnosis, but..” He shrugged “it is what it is”

“You should say Buck”

”Things haven’t been so good with everyone since the lawsuit - I don’t trust Bobby not to kick me out of the station if I told him. Don’t worry though, the battalion chief knows”

“Is that why you haven’t been to family dinner and why there was nothing done on your birthday?”

”Yeah - Eddie and Bobby don’t speak to me at all, Hen and Chim try but that only makes Cap and Eddie even more irate so it’s safer to just keep my head down” Buck spoke morosely - he was sad that his final months at the 118 would be spent with bad blood between himself and two people he loved so much.

”I could speak to Athena - she could give them all a flea in their ears?”

”No... I’m doing this my way - I don’t want sympathy”

”Well you deserve it - are you sure you don’t want me to talk to Athena?”

”Yeah” Buck said, absentmindedly rubbing his chest which was lost permanently throbbing in pain now. Just then he was called to the doctor’s office and had his world crushed once more. The treatment want just failing to shrink the tumours - they had grown and were now malignant and spreading rapidly. Part of the reason why his chest was so painful. In short, they were going to start blasting with radiotherapy, but he was warned to not expect great things and to prepare for the worst outcome. Evan Buckley was dying. The doctor prescribed him steroid tablets in an attempt to give him some of his old vigour left, however all it meant was that he couldn’t go and drown his sadness in whiskey like he so wanted to do at that moment. He left the office a shell of the person he was going in, not even stopping to wish Michael good luck. Thankfully the man did not follow him, clearly sensing his wish for privacy.

**1 week later:**

“That’s DISGUSTING!” Eddie shouted, as Buck - unable to contain it long enough to run for the toilets, hurled all over his coworker’s uniform

”Shut up Diaz, you were an army medic you’ve seen worse” Buck grumbled, suddenly ashamed - he had been feeling good the last week, the steroids returning him to some of his usual energy and allowing him to go on some short hikes and visit some of his favourite places around town

”Yeah, but seriously - what’s wrong with you? Just phone in sick if you’re not up to it” Eddie grunted, shoving Buck’s out of the way with a painful hand to his side, right were the swollen and bruised lymph nodes under his arm were. The younger man was totally unable to control his shriek of pain as he felt the white hot agony on his side and he was sure Eddie felt the swelling, but if he did he didn’t say anything - just continuing to roughly shove past him.

”Buck, you need to tell him” Hen murmured, doing her best to steady her friend as he got over the pain “You’ll want to make some memories with Chris - before it’s too late”

”It is too late Hen, I won’t come into his life again - not now that I know I’ll be leaving in a year’s time maximum”

”For fuck’s sake - think of yourself for once in your life! Please, just be selfish!”

”No, I won’t do that to him - I’ll be fine”

”One day Buck, he is going to see you in a hospital bed and it’s not going to be pretty and he is going to wish he had some more memories with his Bucky - do you want to help him with that or not?” Hen questioned, changing tack

”It’s best for everyone if I just pull back slightly - prepare them for when I’ll not be here”

Hen just cried silent tears at that - Evan Buckley had a heart that was too big for this world and it was hurting him so much to use it, yet he still did.

Three hours later he was found passed out on the locker room floor

Bobby was the one who found him - immediately calling out for Hen and Chim, thinking Buck had fallen and hit his head. They ran into the room to see the captain, face full of worry, carding his finger’s through Buck’s hair and cradling his head - not knowing what needed done.

Hen was met with an instant dilemma - Paramedic Wilson knew she had to disclose the medication her friend was on, however, Hen had sworn to keep it a secret. She looked on at the scene, fighting a battle in her head as she did so. She eventually decided her duty of care as a paramedic trumped all friendship and promises and disclosed the info.

Chim, however, was the first to speak “Is he on any medication?”

”Steroids, pembrolizumab and low dose opioid pain relief - I’m not sure what”

”What the fuck’s he been doing!” Bobby practically screamed, looking as if he was ready to rip Buck a new one “I’ll fucking kill him, coming on the job high as a kite!”

”Bobby, please do not be annoyed with him for not telling you. Buck has...” Hen began, however Chim was in the process of cutting off his colleague’s shirt and gasped in horror when he saw his lymph nodes.

”Hen, does Buck have cancer?” He said in a small, heartbroken voice

”Terminal lung cancer - he’s been down in the dumps since finding out it had turned malignant last week - he has at the very most a year left to live”

There was a deadly silence that filled the room, before Eddie broke it as he walked in from the showers, humming to himself. He stopped dead when he saw Buck lying on the floor, Hen and Chim examining him for injuries. He then just snarked “What’s Buckley done now” before marching out of the room. Bobby in tow.

”Diaz, listen here” He barked, catching the firefighter by the elbow as he did so “Buck has terminal cancer - he only told Hen”

”What do you mean Buck has terminal cancer, what from. Tell me one situation he’s been in that I haven’t?”

”Scouting North Korean and Iranian nuclear test sites for one” Hen snapped, looking Eddie in the eye “His doctors reckon that’s what did for him - too many intelligence gathering missions with the SEALs”

Eddie just started laughing at that “He told you he was a SEAL!?” He screamed, “that’s too good - bet you he told you he worked for SEAL team six and it was all super hush hush too” he giggled “it’s literally the number one tough guy claim”

”Eddie, Buck is going to be dead by this time next year - why would he lie?”

”Legacy? I don’t know him like I thought I did - he wasn’t above spilling all our personal information to that fucking lawyer, was he?”

”Diaz, my office. NOW!” Bobby ordered, shoving Eddie roughly in the direction of the stairs “at least I can admit to the fact that I was an absolute dick”

”Fine I’m going - but there’s like a website where you can check all this stuff. I’ll google it just to prove my point”

”Can we at least not debate the fact that the man who has helped you raise your kid since you came of LA is suffering from terminal cancer and that you should, I don’t know, be nice to him?” Hen snarked, walking off before he could answer

”Probably just a ploy for attention” He muttered, marching off. He didn’t notice Hen behind him until he felt a slap connect with the back of his head

”I’ve been to the fucking oncologist with him, you know why he didn’t tell any of you? You know why? He felt scared you would kick him out of the house Cap and he didn’t want you to pretend to like him out of sympathy - he felt he had to fucking re-earn your love, even after everything he did for you! Also, when I presented the argument of asking you if he could take Chris out - do you know what he said? He thinks he is protecting your son by distancing himself - he’s scared of being selfish. That man in there is in his final 365 days alive and you both have him groomed into thinking that it is selfish to want to spend that time with the people he LOVES!”

”If he loved us he wouldn’t have divulged our deepest darkest secrets to the lawyer, would he?” Eddie countered, whilst Bobby just looked like someone had ripped out his heard and driven a steam roller over it. Hen didn’t have enough time to reply before Buck was coming round.

”Sorry guys, I just fell” he mumbled

”You fainted, didn’t you Buck - they said this could be a consequence of the immunotherapy”

”Shhh, don’t tell them” he pleaded

”Buckaroo, I’m afraid that ship sailed when Chim saw under your arm”

”Fuck” he murmured, promptly falling into a coughing fit that was agonising to watch - he was spluttering like he had smoked twenty a day his whole life and Hen’s heart just bled for her little brother as she watched, unable to help him. Nobody noticed Bobby slipping out of the room to deal with Eddie, who was currently sitting in his office boiling over with anger.

”Diaz, you ever pull a stunt like this again and you’re on B shift” Bobby began, before delivering a dressing down of Athena Grant proportions. He channeled every bit of his self loathing for what he had done into his argument with Eddie. By the end of it, the younger man’s face was bright red - he couldn’t tell wether it was with anger or humiliation.


End file.
